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The (self) loathing by "if only ......"

If only you had
If only I had

Have you heard that before? "If you had done that differently, this would not have happened ..."

Or: "If I only had decided differently, everything else would have been different."

“If only” disguises an accusation. Voiced against someone else or even yourself. This leads to self-condemnation, condemnation of others because you feel guilty for having made an assumed mistake.

This religious attitude of guilt and self-condemnation is symptomatic of us humans. To condemn others or oneself leads to not being able to open up; you are left with an endless feeling of being small and insignificant.

“If only” disguises an accusation.
Voiced against someone else or even yourself.
©: katrin_timoff - Fotolia

What do I want to say here?

Avoid the phrases like "would you (not) have done, and then", because that does not help young people at all. It only leads to more guilt and discouragement (I'm stupid, I can never do anything right, I do everything wrong).
It is far better to point out the consequences. For example, if you don’t learn you marks will slip, or, you only can make and keep friends if you foster a friendly attitude.
Another way would be to reflect back to the child/young person, what emotions, such as anger or disappointment, his action triggered for you or a third party respectively. It does make a difference whether you let the other person know about your feelings, how his action was received or just tell them, what you did was wrong. This approach does not leave any room for contemplation.

Certainly, the difference in your formulation is just a nuance. However, saying “if you only -had” already holds a hidden accusation, a judgment and superior attitude. In the young person that quickly leads to self-loathing and guilt. Show the young person instead the consequences and offer choices for better decision-making.

And let's be honest: there are many choices in life, which with hindsight can be seen as good or not so good. However, those are decisions made at a particular time to the best of my knowledge, maybe with consequences I could not foresee.

Therefore why blaming yourself? Nobody is perfect!

Experiences you made yourself are the most important ones of all experiences. (Self) judgment is misplaced here.

... And if the student (the child, the teenager, men) did not go at least half of its travel alone, he will not have learned anything.
Socrates